dozens of falls splitting into two people one
who gets it and implores the other to calm down
breathing air when breathing air is hard to do
when something and something inside your brain or
your mind or your bloodstream, those two somethings,
can't connect can't work it out give up and so you have
to be the one who doesn't give up it's all up
to you to clench through dishes and showers,
meals, weeks. long, drawn out things. to try hard with your brain and your mind
and your bloodstream to push
through sleep and sheets to swing your feet over the bed in the morning
and tell yourself to shut up to stop that to threaten
to never listen to yourself again whatever it takes
to chew through time, so that you'll be successful,
and congratulated for survival and achievement
and contribution to society
very few understand
the thing i'm most proud of
is not those things, but
this fierce decision to nod weakly yes self yes world i am not
up to the challenge but
goddamnit i'll give it my best shot which will not seem
like a best shot or a best anything but will in fact be
the most beautiful straining hurling throw you'll
ever witness.
watch.
